I was terrified earlier as I saw view after view come in.
It was like the Universe was saying…’Right,Tom,show up. You love writing now do it. And whilst you’re at it put your heart on the line because this is the only way to live that will fulfil you.’
So I did. After my last post I was walking to work and a deep scream came up inside and I found myself clutching my head as my whole being screamed what the hell am I doing. The doubt,the shame,the fear,the lack of worthiness in one lightening bolt through me that essentially was saying hide,no, yelling hide to be followed in an instant with the realisation I can’t now. I can run away but that’s a pattern of mine and I know for sure I will be swamped in shame.
But then something happened. I liked the feeling of knowing someone was looking at what I’d written. I even know a few actually read it. Then something really strange happened and I realised I was happy. Quite honestly my food tasted better,music sounded clearer,I was smiling at strangers,I started to believe its ok to put this out there whatever it may bring.
Then the most important realisation.
Quite simply I was Loving Now. I was Loving Me Now.
I was doing what this is about. Loving.
Loving the poor,lost voice that wanted to be heard. Loving the traumatised children that were me as a child. Loving the me that wants to love. Loving the creative,the writer in me.
Loving Me Now.
I’ve had encouragement all day long from people saying go for it or thank you. I’m touched. My troubled heart feels a little easier.
Thank you all.