Am I Loving Now…no,I’m freaking out.

So,I email Jeff Brown yesterday saying I’d started a blog and had shown it to two people. What did I want from this? In my mind was hopefully some encouragement and words saying it wasn’t too bad. I’m thinking I want to have a good few posts up before I show anyone and I’m torn between showing up and wanting to stay hidden and small.

Or is this what I wanted? Did I want Jeff to do what he did which is post it on his fb page? Possibly but I honestly don’t know.

So I read the email from Jeff saying he’s posted it and it doesn’t sink in fully at first. Then I look as the blog page and check the stats. Views has gone from 6(3 are me) to 30 something. And it shows where from and there’s 7 countries. Then I check fb and see the post. A full post,not a comment somewhere. Then I start freaking.

Shame,fear,excitement. Mostly fear.

Then a friend posts it in a group I’m a member of. Now more people know,people who actually know me.

Getting dressed I think it’s definitely a day to wear Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly t-shirt which gives me a moment of courage before the panicking gets going again.

So then I find time to give the little Toms who live within me space to talk. It goes something like this…

What have you done? Why? Don’t you know we’re going to be laughed at? (teenager)

But it is so nice to talk to people and maybe they won’t all laugh at us. And anyway writing is fun. (9yo)

Are you crazy?!? They’ll find out how stupid we are. They won’t love us. God you’re stupid.

No I’m not. I’m actually really nice but you forgot cos we got in trouble so much and only because we were special and loving and actually in love with god because god is in love with us.

Don’t speak like that. Shut up. They’ll find out and will laugh.

THIS TIME I AM NOT SHUTTING UP. We’re special. Not everyone will like us,or love us and that ok. And I don’t care what the nasty big people said before because this time we’re going to write. And play. And love. And I know dad wants to pick us up and crush us because we have a heart far too big for him but we’re not going to let him. You’re big now and it’s time we lived a bigger life. We can hold hands with love every day so long as our hearts open. And I know that’s so scary but I promise we’ll be just swell and actually better than that. You don’t even have to trust that because I know trusting is so hard for you but sometimes try and remember. And then maybe you can learn to trust a little and breathe freely and remember what you know about love because its a lot. (4yo)

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

I’ve just been told by a 4 year old. How awesome,in the true sense of the word,is that! Very.

So thank you Jeff, I’m going to keep on writing and do my best to enjoy it. And that is daring greatly for me because enjoyment terrifies me.

4 thoughts on “Am I Loving Now…no,I’m freaking out.

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