A Letter.

This is something I’ve been wanting to post for a while but my fear of being so open and putting my dreams and my heart on the line have got in the way. So, I’m putting the fears aside and away we go…

Dear You,

I have no idea who you are. I do think you might be circling waiting for me to say yes. God, I don’t even know what to say although this has been spinning around my head for weeks.

Ok. You are the woman who is going to want to date me for who I am. Wow, just writing that has brought tears to my eyes. See, I’m conditioned to be something you want me to be, conditioned to have to be perfect. But I’m not. And I’m also 46 now and I’m not super fit or great looking. I’m overweight. Smoke too much.

So meeting you will hurt as much as delight as I’ll have to trust you want me as I am. That’s kinda terrifying. I don’t have a lot to offer in the material world. Actually make that pretty much fuck all. I live in a weeny bedsit, I’ve got debt, I’ve started a project having quit a well paying job and lord knows when,if it’ll provide me with a regular income.

And I want to fall head over heals in love. But with someone who won’t betray my heart, won’t sleep around. Someone who would enjoy a love note left by the kettle for the fun of it, who’d want to spend time with me.
This also means sex. This is a tricky area for me. I was abused as a child and this can sometimes get in the way. I sometimes don’t really know how I’m meant to be around sex. I’m pretty sexual but I’ve been criticised for this in the past. I’ve tried to be the perfect lover. I’m 46, not 26. Please don’t expect me to be a super stud. And please let me express that I’m not sure how to be without being a super stud. That was a currency for me. I’m crying now as I realise I’m so very lost here. Please be gentle with me. I promise I’ll give you that back.

But I’m also aware I can get angry, I’ve ‘stuff’, I carry a fair bit of shame. I can be very spiky if I feel threatened and I find it hard to trust people. I feel like I’m talking myself out of the ‘position’ here. Yes, I’ve got shit. Yes I’m far from perfect and I’ve also a lot to offer as I have a giant, poetic heart that want love and beauty in the world. I’d love to be a father so we could have kids or if you’ve got already I’d be hugely happy to be a step dad to young children. I’ve learned a lot through therapy, personal development. Sometimes I reckon I know a lot. Today I feel utterly bemused. I’m smart too. And funny.

I’m also an addict and died from an overdose coming on to 8 years ago. I don’t use drugs/booze anymore. But the addictive tendencies live in me. I was a mess for a good few years after cleaning up but didn’t realise how much at the time. I’m doing ok now but I’m not perfect. I’ve some rough edges.

I do know you’re out there. Actually someone did a reading a while ago and said you were a northern woman called Terri or something similar. But he’s got the love life part of readings wrong before.

I’d like you to be able to accept me finding you sexually attractive. And not feel that it’s ‘bad’. It’d really help if you’re into Pearl Jam. I’ve a bit of a thing about them. If not I hope you’re up for travelling and having adventures with me following the band. It’s kinda my thing and I love it.
I love gambling too. It’s something I do. I don’t lose on the whole. I do intuit winners, or have gambling medicine as a Native friend told me once. But it can be something I do to distract myself and it’s not super healthy. But it is fun and I know plenty of people who really disapprove of gambling. A part of me wishes I didn’t at all as it’s something my dad does. Who is a royal ass by the way so I hope you’re accepting of someone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of his parent’s butt. They’re flawed humans too. My mum is dead. Both are long stories for another day.

So, wherever you are please show yourself. By the way with my history I really don’t want a big drinker in my life and certainly no drugs of any sort. If you want someone who’d delight in reading you poetry, mine and others, I’m your man. I do want a sexual relationship. It’s scary to say but a lot please. Like an alive sexual relationship. I know what I mean and you’ll know too.
I feel a little silly now, a little shy but also lighter.

A big aaaaaaaaahhhh.

Anyway,

I’m Tom, pleased to meet you….

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