Well, not so hard to imagine now as I’m here in San Diego ready for show two of the trip. And the weather gods have decided to make me feel at home as it’s all grey and wet.
The Phoenix show was beautiful for me.
Oh yes,rocking,electric,exciting and all I’d hoped for from a gig. And more from a set list point of view as it blew all 16 previous shows out of the water for me.
The beauty came in another form.
A form of realisation that I’ve changed over the last few months. That I’ve started to see the good in me. That I am loving myself now.
When Release played I’d have expected angst and distress over my relationship with my dad. But I felt something different. Love,compassion,understanding and forgiveness. I like this. It messes with my script but wow does it feel a whole lot better. A script that said I’m unloved,unwanted by my father. Poor guy just doesn’t know how to say I love you and even how to love.
And then later comes Down by which time I was already in raptures especially after Hard To Imagine followed by Footsteps and then left open mouthed as Alone breaks out. The guy next to me and I just looked at each other saying are you kidding me.
But Down was my gift. The moment I knew I’d come through the darkest days,that this trip was worth I all on so many levels. Sure,wonderfully so,the band,the music,the experience. But more the deeper spiritual place this journey is all about. The risking something for me,valuing myself,loving myself,seeing beauty in me.
Hope has more than grown from dirt like me. I don’t see myself as dirt anymore. I see myself as Tom. Pretty amazing,human,flawed,beautiful. It’s like I’ve been working on giving away a huge cloud of shame that’s been stuck in my gut just screwing up myself,my life. All the outside influences that said I was ok couldn’t find a way in. I had to do this for myself.had to value myself to do things I love and allow myself to enjoy them. I’ve had help from humans and spirits. Encouragement,kindness and love to help me step on the road. But most of all I had to step on the road,follow the signs. Signs that said write,that said I’m ok,that said I’m lovable. And I had to love myself to love myself. I feel a little nausea writing this. Writing that I’m ok,lovable,I can give to myself,love myself. Boy,sure does screw with the scripts that have been running my life.
I’m humbled by this feeling of being welcome in this world. When Down played on Tuesday my body shook to and internal explosion of self verification,of knowing deeply all is ok. That I’m ok. And that’s scary. To be big and not hide,to risk loving myself. I’ve got tears with the nausea,tears of joy,of welcome,of life.
I can’t wait to go play with Pearl Jam tonight. To live. To dance,sing,enjoy myself.
I truly can’t believe I’m here. That I’ve given myself such a gift.
I love this. I love that I’m loving now. Loving me.
Yes,it’s hard for me to imagine. Yes I’m here and I’m loving every second.
And the best bit? The best bit is joy. And feeling totally different about the music now,that it’s a celebration of life.
That’s been pretty damn hard to imagine for me but now I don’t need to imagine,it just is.