I have no idea what I’m going to write so I will just start.
It’s been a week since I’ve written and during that time I’ve been on a wonderful Shamanic workshop with Jonathan Horwitz(see link at the bottom),been asked to write more and more poetry and been dumped from a very short but incredibly sweet relationship with a really lovely woman.
The course was wonderful and really fits deeply into the whole question…Am I Loving Now? Essentially I was asked by the Spirits to live a deeper,truer and more fulfilling life. To write more which I love,to write more poetry,to look to find a way to get published. And write more!
Poems came flowing from me on the course. I loved this and felt such a deep connection to myself and Spirit as I wrote. Yet I haven’t lifted a pen since I’ve been back telling myself I too tired,to disorientated post-course to write. Doing what Tom does and running from my heart,my dreams because both got broken so,so many times that I sometimes find it so painful,so frightening to dare again.
I did dare in the vignette of a relationship I had. I dared greatly,allowed myself to show more of me than I’ve ever dared to before. I also allowed myself to dare to dream something magical had entered my life. And it did,very briefly. I can be glad of this and also that my heart is still willing to risk for love and that I’ve grown into to a place where I’m willing not to try and be perfect. A kind of ‘come and get me as I am’ place and let’s see where the ride takes us. I could have done with an ending face to face or by phone rather than an oblique email but that’s sadly how things seem to be these days. That doesn’t alter the fact she’s a very good woman who gave me precious,precious gifts. My heart is very glad I met her. A bit confused and still very glad.
So I daren’t dare to write,didn’t dare to write here until now. And I know I must. I must for me,for my heart,my Soul. I must be in bed with my fears and gently ease them aside,love them aside and write.
I know this is about dreams coming true. It’s hard to dream with a broken heart but it’s mending nicely. Yes there are scars,deep ones, and the healing happens. And a dream to take myself to the States to see Pearl Jam is only four weeks away from happening. A huge dream.
Do maybe I can allow myself to dream of love…to dream of being happy in what I do…dream of a life where I love life,what I a in this life. That’s the essential tenet of the teaching,guidance that came from the workshop. Dare to live and life will be fuller. Scarier as this means being more vulnerable and not hiding yet hiding isn’t really a good way to live though familiar.
To live or not to live….that is the question.
Wind Whisper To Me
Wind whisper to me and tell me that you love me.
Tree dance with me.
Dance me into submission that I might lay at your feet,exhausted.
Sky shower me with all I know. You have it all so long as I dare to receive.
Earth,my Mother,a thousand years my lover.
Make love to me until I am spent.
Until I am no longer the man I used to know
That I may be the man you have chosen me to be.
Wind whisper to me and tell me you love me.
Oh sweet child I do-
If only you would hear.
Scandinavian Centre for Shamanic Studies