It’s long gone midnight and had to get out of bed to dance. On a Monday night.
I’d better explain…
Life is a struggle,a punishment. That’s been my story passed on through the family lines. I once told my father that one day I’d have a happy,loving,healthy relationship. I was told to stop being so arrogant. I spent years thinking if I could only stop mum from drinking I’d be good enough,lovable. I didn’t,I couldn’t and she drank herself to death. I fell in love once so hard I thought this was it until she went off with another man.
Then something started to change. I wanted to change,wanted to be happy. Who’d a thunk it?
I’m a Spiritual man yet have been so afraid to trust in Spirit for so long because I figured there can’t be much to trust if my heart gets broken every time I choose to love,to risk happiness,to risk believing in joy. Surely you can’t lose as many children as I have,abortions I didn’t want,miscarriages if there is a god? Hadn’t I shed enough tears? Writhed in enough agony? Been betrayed often enough.
So I’d about given up yet knew I needed my love of Spirit in my life and wanted Spirit’s love in my life. I knew I had to start feeling I was allowed to be alive,to be happy. I went to Sweden to work with Spirit with Jonathan Horwitz and knew my work was to work with my fear of the good stuff,to believe I am allowed to receive good stuff. I had to celebrate me,being alive. Make changes in my beliefs,in my expectation that it’s going to go wrong,I’ll fuck up,that I’m only worthy of crumbs.
Dammit I wanted to have the whole cake.
And I had to allow myself to learn there is plenty,there is abundance,there are tears and also joy. There’s freedom to live,laugh,love(the three L’s). Learn to think bigger.
I committed to travelling to see Pearl Jam to celebrate me,celebrate being alive. And I know this decision to accept me,accept my life has been moving me forward. It’s scary financially to take this trip yet extra money seems to arrive unexpectedly. This belief in me, this Loving Me,has echoed through my life. I’ve been happier,been living with belief. I’ve found my personal boundaries growing stronger as I’ve valued myself more and allowed myself to know I’m valued by Spirit. Somehow there is a symbiotic relationship going on here…the more I value myself,the more I feel worthy of love,love comes to me in different ways,love grows in me,
And now I feel that I am allowing myself to receive Spirit’s welcome.
A text on Saturday told me David Whyte was reading. I finished work early. A friend gave me a lift,yet I knew also this friend could be so much more. I saw an old friend,I listened to the beautiful David Whyte and had my heart opened and my story challenged. I held hands and knew I’d fell into someone new,someone beautiful. David Whyte even referenced Pearl Jam. There most certainly is a god 🙂
Today the wonderful Anna who works for me accepted my offer to become my assistant manager. I am so touched and incredibly proud of her and I that we can work together the way we do. She’s already telling me to get out of her office,she’ll go far. I’m so relieved as I know I now have someone I can trust to take some of the workload off me. This feels like such a gift.
I received a poem written for me today from a woman who makes me laugh. A woman I feel totally ok to be myself around which is great as I’ve got so tired of trying to be perfect.
So I’m totally in a great place, I have a whole day with David Whyte tomorrow,I’m on a workshop with Jonathan again on Wednesday where I’ll feel at home,be around good people.
Then I get an email that tells me Pearl Jam’s is streaming on iTunes. Well what’s a guy going todo but put the headphones on,go to bed and have a quick listen. Ummm….not exactly. I had to get out of bed to dance by midnight. It’s 1.30 and I can’t stop listening and I love this album so much.
I love being alive today. I know so much of this has to do with Loving Myself Now. With letting go of some of my perfectionism(a lethal alive threatening illness). With trusting in enough,saying yes to risks. Saying yes to the help of the Spirits-about time as I’m sure they were getting pretty fed up with knocking. Working with,facing,owning my shame.
So thank you so much. Everything,everyone,me,life,love and laughter.
The album is Lightning Bolt.
Feels apposite as it took a bolt of something pretty strong to shake my ass up enough to make some changes,to learn life isn’t about the crumbs of someone else’s leftover love. It’s about living and feeling worthy of life,my life.
It feels so good to be alive,to have a life.
I’m 45 and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life. And today I’m totally ok with that.