I’m getting better at recognising this in me and can pick up the clues in my talk and self talk that I’m in shame. I can tell by the way my body behaves. I can tell I’m in shame when I don’t want to go out but am dying for attention. When I’m due to go out for dinner with a friend but want to cancel because I don’t think I’m enough.
It’s been a long day!
This blog,my writing is bringing up so much self doubt,so much shame. Why don’t people comment? ‘Its because it’s crap,who would want to read your shit anyway? Ideas above your station. If you’ve an ounce of sense you’ll delete the blog altogether. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? Obviously it’s no good because people aren’t looking. Go hide away where you belong where no one can see you. In the corner. By the way,the reason your single is because your ugly,poor,fat,stupid and crap in bed. And…and…and…’
It’s been a brutal day inside my head trying to keep the shame from totally overwhelming me. I mean it’s only a blog right? No big deal. Actually it is a big deal to me. I’m proud of me for taking the risk and putting this out there. Proud of me for being real.
It’s scary as hell and without feedback taps into so very much of my stuff about not being heard. And maybe this is good in itself as I can try to work with this and keep writing. If people want to comment,when people want to comment it will be the right time.
I’m so glad I got out to dinner and had some good food and a chat about not much. A lovely message on fb helped me to not go completely under this morning and suggested it just put it out how tough this can be. A long,fun and gentle phone call after dinner helped to fully bring me back into shape. I am heard,I am blessed to have people in my life who can hear shame. The wounds are deep,raw at times.
Being heard is so great. There’s no bigger gift we can give another than truly hearing them without wanting to fix them.
Shame chokes and throttles so many of us. I also know its so hard to own. Also so hard to recognise until we learn to have a relationship with it.
I’m not bad. My shame will tell me otherwise,sometimes brutally so.
I’m human,flawed,imperfect. And that’s how it is for all of us.
I just wish I could be at peace with this.