Shame,shame,shame…

Shame.

I’m getting better at recognising this in me and can pick up the clues in my talk and self talk that I’m in shame. I can tell by the way my body behaves. I can tell I’m in shame when I don’t want to go out but am dying for attention. When I’m due to go out for dinner with a friend but want to cancel because I don’t think I’m enough.

It’s been a long day!

This blog,my writing is bringing up so much self doubt,so much shame. Why don’t people comment? ‘Its because it’s crap,who would want to read your shit anyway? Ideas above your station. If you’ve an ounce of sense you’ll delete the blog altogether. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? Obviously it’s no good because people aren’t looking. Go hide away where you belong where no one can see you. In the corner. By the way,the reason your single is because your ugly,poor,fat,stupid and crap in bed. And…and…and…’

It’s been a brutal day inside my head trying to keep the shame from totally overwhelming me. I mean it’s only a blog right? No big deal. Actually it is a big deal to me. I’m proud of me for taking the risk and putting this out there. Proud of me for being real.

It’s scary as hell and without feedback taps into so very much of my stuff about not being heard. And maybe this is good in itself as I can try to work with this and keep writing. If people want to comment,when people want to comment it will be the right time.

I’m so glad I got out to dinner and had some good food and a chat about not much. A lovely message on fb helped me to not go completely under this morning and suggested it just put it out how tough this can be. A long,fun and gentle phone call after dinner helped to fully bring me back into shape. I am heard,I am blessed to have people in my life who can hear shame. The wounds are deep,raw at times.

Being heard is so great. There’s no bigger gift we can give another than truly hearing them without wanting to fix them.

Shame chokes and throttles so many of us. I also know its so hard to own. Also so hard to recognise until we learn to have a relationship with it.

I’m not bad. My shame will tell me otherwise,sometimes brutally so.

I’m human,flawed,imperfect. And that’s how it is for all of us.

I just wish I could be at peace with this.

6 thoughts on “Shame,shame,shame…

  1. Araba Fenice

    I know the feeling of writing a blog and not getting any comment at all. I have been writing a blog for 3 years, I quit around the beginning of 2010. It takes time, effort and love to get your little audience starting to write back to you. I think it’s like any relationship in “real life”. If people see that you are doing it seriously, if they see that you write regularly, they will start giving feedback… at least that’s the impression I got from my own experience. I read all your post and even if I don’t comment, I appreciate a lot your wiring. And I am sure there are other people reading it as well.

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    1. tompugh2004 Post author

      Thank you,Linda.

      A lot of this is childhood shame around not being listened to,taken seriously and more.

      As my therapist is wont to say its an AFGO. Another Fucking Growth Experience πŸ˜‰

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      1. Araba Fenice

        A therapist.. I never got the courage to go to one, because I felt like I wasn’t worth the money (of my parents, because I would have needed it when I was a teenager)… Talk about loving yourself… :-\

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      2. tompugh2004 Post author

        If the self talk is…I’m not worth something it’s a good possibility it’s shame talking.

        As an adult now you can chose to go into therapy if it feels right.

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  2. Fiona Thorogood

    Thank you Tom for writing from the heart and being open and true. For reminding me about the pain of self-criticism and self doubt – it’s an easy habit to be in and not even be aware of – and awareness is the first step to healing. To be able to see ones Self with acceptance and without judgement – even for short moments at a time – is healing. To remember that the scars, the struggles and the dark experiences give us depth and compassion and beauty, in the present – that’s important too. Your writing is brave, powerful and evocative – thank you for doing it!

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    1. tompugh2004 Post author

      Thank you so much,Fiona,for your kindness and soothing words.

      Today,after the shame storm,I know I’m brave. I know there are gifts for others from my willingness to go deep,to welcome my shadow,it’s good as well as difficult aspects.

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