So a Jeff Brown post earlier talks about drama. I’m talking later with a friend about our relationships with our inner children and it turns out they want me to write about drama and parenting. I can feel them,see them looking as proud as punch that they’re involved. Then the thought,the memories of our childhood drama returns and breath stops. I feel my body’s tense and want to run away from the subject.
‘Dont,please’ is the voice from those who no one listened to. And often that’s all a child needs-good listening to,to be taken seriously,to have someone care enough that they’re welcome to feel and love and actually be children.
Drama was a pretty big part of my childhood. The drama of being sent away to school aged eight,the drama of an alcoholic mother and the heartbreak that goes with both. There’s more of course but this will do for now.
When there’s drama and a child isn’t allowed to express themselves the drama become an escape from the feelings,well,it was for me. Mums drunk and no one takes cares enough to see the tears,hear the screams then the drama intensifies and the feelings get left behind in the shouting,hiding,trying to hide the drink.
And it became an adult way for me to behave in relationship. Unconsciously avoiding feelings by acting out childhood drama and putting a heck of a lot of people through some pretty out there behaviours
Now I try and take a breath or two,a day or two and try to feel into what’s happening past the rage. Today was a case in point. I do my job better than anyone else where I work and at times considerably better. My boss and I were speaking about the other teams last week and I brought up my concern at how far ahead I am since the job is to raise funds for charity and the businessman in me saw how much this took away funds from my area to prop others up and also knew there had to be serious flaws in the way others ran their areas. I was told that the office had been talking about this that same day. I asked about it today and could feel myself feeling very anxious after the call I got angrier and angries. He truth is no one in head office has any experience of my job yet I was not asked once to make suggestions,asked for my help or opinion on how things could get better. I can feel myself getting angry as I write this. I had a sense to ask my kids why they were so angry.
‘Noone listens to me. No one cares what I know. I’m smart but no one knows this. Why am I ignored? Why am I not allowed to help? They think I’m stupid.’ Adult,logical conversation didn’t work to ease their pain. However,I’m listening,I care and I KNOW you’re not stupid helps. Taking these parts of me seriously helps.
It wasn’t that long ago I’d have called back and told my boss he was stupid for not taking my counsel and slammed the others. I’ve done this so many times in many different ways over the years and it’s cost me jobs.
It’s not the drama I’m scared of,it’s the feelings and how to love my inner children better. When I am in a loving relationship with them I feel at ease. I feel alive. They love to play,dance,write(tee here,look at us now writing!). They always deserved to be heard and had no voice as children. I do now. It can be terrifying to speak up for me. Put me in a group situation and all the power of being in a toxic family floods back and I lose my shape and voice. I just want to hide. I have even(aged45) tried to pretend if I don’t speak no one will notice or see me when I was on a year long course for the last few sessions. This doesn’t work as I’m a pretty big bloke and I know this is the terror of a 9 year old who really believes he will be shouted at,ridiculed,beaten or ignored if he’s not perfect so best hide,be invisible and no one will laugh. Sure,his heart breaks not speaking but the fear is crippling.
Next week I am on a workshop for five days. I want to speak in the group so much. And trust it’ll be ok. The kids want to learn to as well but as I write this tears come,breath shortens and my belly flips.
I masking the kids how they feel about me writing this and posting.
‘Excited,scared and kinda silly because writing is so much fun.’
They also asked me to do one other thing.
They want my post to have a song title as the title. So today, The Kids Are Alright.
They think this is so much fun and wonder if you can guess.
They’re a little disappointed that they can’t just put up a favourite song but I explained there had to some relevance.
They feel so proud that they’re allowed to write this post. That their idea for song titles is allowed. But why not?
Who wouldn’t love their children enough to let them play,let them be heard and taken seriously?