I would prefer not to write about this simply because this is an area of my life I’ve struggled so much with.
As an adult from a family where abandonment was the norm, my valuing of myself was chipped away as I internalised that I’m can’t be worth much if I’m not wanted.
Then the physical abuse and sexual abuse tell me my body is worth nothing to me but you can do with it what you will.
Emotionally absent parents leave each grief hanging,then swallowed.
Each no met with ‘do as your told’ leaves no a word not to be used again.
This child is till terrified to ask for what he wants. To say no when he needs to. To cherish his body. To say no to sex.
As an adult I try and hold his hand. I take deep breaths and try to ask for,not scream for. Screaming was a last hope but so many died in despair. Please don’t sent me away,feigned indifference to a beating. Tears,longing,desire,hope,play,anger,joy,ecstasy swallowed to play the game,to fit in. Swallowed and turned to shame,self hatred.
I take a breath and ask for what I need. Hold a boundary and I shake expecting to be punished.
I get what I need sometimes. Sometimes it can’t be given. I’m learning both are ok so long as I ask clearly.
I hold a boundary and I don’t get punished. Practise,trust,faith.
I’ve learned some brutally painful lessons not holding boundaries.
There’s still a part of me that would rather let you walk all over me than stand up for myself.
But I have to. I have to Love Myself Now and speak my truth. Say no when I need to.
Saying no is often the most Loving thing I can do for myself. And I’m getting better at this,at Loving Myself.