Am I Loving Now…and why it can be so damned tricky.

Man,it’s easy to be loving isn’t it? I mean what’s to it after all other than, well other than loving. And there’s the crux of it’s trickiness.

I truly believe this question can change the world. Could a Prime Minister and its cabinet send troops into war to kill and be killed if they asked the question…Are We Loving Now? Would we turn a deaf ear to the shrieks of domestic violence next door if we asked ourselves…Am I Loving Now? I think I might have a point.

Do I live by this every moment,every day? No. If I asked myself if I’m LN(Loving Now) before I lit up a cigarette I’d never light up. I’d exercise more,sleep more,play more,create more. It’s a long NLN(Not Loving Now) list. So I’m not perfect and in this moment the shame gremlins are far enough away for me to be ok with this. Another day all hell can break loose internally.

So I was thinking and feeling into this earlier in the steam room(LN) and found myself getting so angry. I wanted to push this away (NLN) and melt into a thoughtless state. Well, I couldn’t and decided to Love Myself Now and welcome my anger and see what arose and where it took me.

The descent took me into my family and an acute awareness of how little real love there was for me there. I was privileged in a lot of ways,more than most. Lovely home,good schools,an ex-model mother,self employed businessman/successful sportsman father. Some of the good schools were boarding schools from the age of eight-trust me,they fuck you up whatever anyone else says. I got left with a sense that I wasn’t wanted,that I wasn’t good enough to be allowed to stay in my family. That I wasn’t loveable. Which was thoroughly embodied when I screamed,begged,pleaded not to go back and to stay home but the response in the car outside the school was my father played a trick with a 50 pence piece to distract me from my terror and got me into school. To this day he thinks he was very smart. As an 8 year old I gave up on me,on people,on trusting and in believing I was loveable. There’s a lot more to my story than just this and I visit and re-visit in therapy deeper,deeper,deeper.

We don’t all have stories like mine but I know we all have stories that stop us from loving ourselves fully. Some story that says I’m not worth it. The emotionally unavailable parents who stop you crying instead of holding your pain…who tell you you’re naughty(internalised by a small child as bad) when you’re angry and need this honoured…tell you to stop messing about when you’re playing…beatings…shamings…teasing in the playground…bullying…being bullied…

This is the tip of an iceberg that’s an awful lot of shame.

If you didn’t feel worthy then, why would you now?

Loving Now is not easy. You know it,I know it. And I feel deeply that we are all worth it and sometimes that is so painful so I know I can hide,make myself small and treat myself as I was for no other reason than it makes sense. For me being loved is threatening,terrifying as it makes no sense other than I’ll get hurt,get punished,that you’ll leave,that I’m not worth it. And that’s before I start loving myself.

The task is pretty enormous as it’ll challenge the hell out of our belief systems,our shame,our need to feel unloved because it makes the most sense.

I want to feel loved,to allow this into me and know I’m worthy.

I want ‘you’ to love…you a lover, you a friend, you my God,you my life. I want to find the courage to allow this,to feel my vulnerability and stay with it.

And me. I want to allow myself to love me more. Did I mention this can be tricky?

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